Happy Mother’s Day everyone! Today is harder than others for obvious reasons, so I’ll lighten it up Honor style with a funny story. Not too long ago my mom taught me how to make what she calls “Wednesday chicken”, a super easy lemon chicken recipe. She told me “I’m not worried about you going off to college for any reasons except in regards to two things: having to have a roommate and your cooking skills”. Frankly, I am concerned about the cooking skills too because they’re nearly non existent. Sunday night, I made this “Wednesday chicken” for my dad and Chase and I. Feeling so proud to have not burnt it and feeling like I nailed it, we cut into the chicken and were frustrated that there’s no meat on them, thinking we just bought some crappy chickens. After eating what we could, we start doing dishes and my dad, inspecting the chickens, comes to the correct conclusion that I had put the chickens in upside down with all the breast meat you eat on the bottom. So classic and so funny, she was laughing at that one.

For a lot of reasons, Chase and I are so lucky. We are lucky to have had such a great mom for as long as we did. We are lucky our mom raised us with optimism and positive outlooks. We are lucky my parents met in high school and had years of such a loving relationship to raise us. We are lucky my mom was smart and made strategic parenting decisions. We are lucky our Dad is an amazing man whose strength, intelligence, and loving nature continues to blow me away. We are lucky to have so many fun trips and memories spent with our mom. We are lucky to have such an amazing support system of family and friends. We are lucky to have motherly role models in our lives. We are lucky to have each other. We are lucky to have been raised with our faith. We are lucky to have hundreds of videos of my mom narrating our first steps or dances recitals. We are lucky to have at least some of her outstanding strength.

I really aspire to be as great of a woman and mother as mine was. She made everything growing up a lesson, and a lot of this was the teacher in her. At her Celebration of Life, some of her previous students asked me if she ever got mad or yelled at home, because she never did at school. I laughed and assured them that yes, she did but always as a result of Chase or I’s behaviors, and we’d always get a good lesson from it. Her and I could talk for hours, and we did. It is rare for someone to be SO good at being a listener AND a talker, and she was great at both. She had so many friends because she was engaging and while talking to her she was so present and so interested. I really do feel her strength in many moments and it stems from this deep sense of peace she trained me to have in hard situations. In a letter she wrote to me during a rough time of surgeries and chemo, she said “As much as I would have preferred to protect you from all of this, I know you are a better person because of this”. These words of hers I always go back to because through the last couple of months, I have discovered a new level of strength and faith that it takes to get through something this life changing. With this being said, and how important my faith is to me and was to my mom, I sometimes think how crazy it is that she named me Faith. Little did she know of the faith we’d all have to have, but all along she knew the value of it.

Along with my mom’s faith came her deep peace with life’s uncontrollable circumstances because, as she’d say, God has a plan. What’s going to happen will happen inevitably and we just must make the best out of it. Having lost a parent at a young age, I have to say that nothing really gives me fear anymore. I now know that we are capable of getting through the worst of the worst and that life must go on…and life can go on beautifully too. Some people don’t get to ever know their moms or maybe don’t have the greatest relationship with their mom. Although the time with my mom was shorter than most, I feel so blessed to have had THE BEST mom, these 18 years with her were so valuable and something I get to cherish forever. I look forward to someday becoming a mother and striving to be even half as good as the mom she was. I am sometimes mind blown at the fact that my mom started this blog and that I have her own, written wise words to show my own children one day. Here’s to my amazing mom and all the amazing mom’s with us and no longer with us, they are among life’s biggest blessings. Honwego!

Hello everyone! It’s Faith again. Today, March 13th, is my Mom’s birthday. I thought today was a good occasion to add to Honwego, because although it’s been difficult, on we have been going, just like she’d want us to.

It’s almost as if our whole life my mom was preparing us with her wise lessons and compiling an entire village of people to get us through this. As much as we miss her and the person she was, I think many would agree she’s still very much within and around all of us. There’s sweet examples of this like an extra beautiful sunset just at the right time, and there’s funny examples of this, like a horrible Cher song she loved coming on the radio during a sad moment.

My mom chose her words well, and these wise words will stay with me throughout my whole life. Recently she wrote me a letter when I went on my school senior retreat. In one part she said “Your life is on a wonderful trajectory and I am beyond excited to watch you from the sidelines”. Her perfect choice of wording is meant to be because she will, in fact, still be watching my brother Chase and me from the sidelines.

As many times in our life as we had to discuss cancer and its life threatening capabilities, my mom and I never talked much about death. As much as I’ve wondered what wise things she would have to say about this, I’ve realized why this wouldn’t have been fitting. She focused on living because to live fully you have to be fully present and enjoy the now. Everything she did was now, not later, and I am so thankful for that because we have so many good memories to cherish as a result of that. In the big scheme of things, there’s no time to waste dwelling on the bad and sad things.

When I had a moment of feeling frustrated for her and for us to have to deal with this sickness a second time, she said “We are not special”. We aren’t the only people to deal with cancer and we certainly weren’t the only people going through hard times. In fact, despite what we had on our plate, we were still so lucky and so blessed. She often made the point that everyone has their own thing (sh**) to deal with and cancer was ours. This helps me today and will continue to help me because there’s inevitable hardships in life but we can and will recover and attitude is everything.

Because grief is like a wave, it is duable. The sad moments come in and out at different times, but in between those there is plenty of laughter and reflection on the great memories we’ve shared. Going to places like the river has been hard, but we also have so many good times to think back on and each sunset is a reminder she’s watching over us all.

We are so lucky to have so many people in our life to get us through these times and each person reminds me and keeps me connected to a different aspect of my mom. I knew how many great people we have in our life, but it has been truly outstanding seeing the amount of love for my mom people have and the support and love you’ve all given us has been astounding. The past couple of months and graduating this year has made me realize it is important to live like my mom did. She lived joyfully and boldly and made everything and every day count. She didn’t have fear (except for reptiles/fish) and when things in life took a turn, big or small, she was always at peace that God has a plan. One of the biggest lessons she taught me recently was saying “If you truly believe everything happens for a reason, then you must believe both the good and the bad things happen for a reason.” Although this is hard to make sense of in context of such life changing events, we already have a plan set for us and the good and bad things are both a part of our unique and beautiful journeys.
The waves of sadness will inevitably come throughout all of our lives in moments big or small, but these hard moments are always followed by an extreme appreciation and immense love for my mom. There has been SO many straight up “God moments” throughout this time that has occurred to myself and so many people that have shared their moments with me. For example, just when someone is thinking about my mom, her favorite Jimmy Buffet song comes on the radio. Or Chase’s La Mesa Little League teams getting “Hon We Go” put on their jerseys, which I know she is loving. Or just as I’m missing her and I’s talks, her best friend Leslie calls me and we talk for an hour just like they did. This blog alone is an amazing example that her words will continue to live on and they capture her character so well for those who didn’t get the privilege to know her. It is these small things that gets us through and it is focusing on how great of a life we got to share with her, her signature “glass half full” perspective. Hon we go!

Hello everyone this is Faith, Honor’s daughter with some words to add to this wonderful blog my mom made and hopefully bring you some comfort. My mom was always very good at coming up with titles and the phrase “Hon We Go” helps sum up how our family gets through tough times. This incredibly difficult time for us is filled with this same optimism and “keep rolling” attitude that she taught us all to have. The cliche saying that “You don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it” does not apply here; I knew what an amazing mother I had my whole life. Now, however, it is even more clear just how much of impact my mom had on everyone she encountered. The overwhelming amounts of support I’ve received from truly every circle of people is incredible, and I see her in each and every one of these people. I’ve laughed at certain things many times to myself knowing that she’s laughing along with me, we were really good at that. As her daughter, I didn’t think anyone could admire her as much as I do, but we all know that’s not the case. She touched so many throughout her life whether it was through her strength, her humor, her wisdom, her words, maybe even her dancing or singing, (which I don’t know if I would describe as touching, more amazingly funny and something that could bring life to any party). I hope that when we all miss her each of you will go to the same strength I feel through this time when I think about her love and how happy she wants us all to be. She taught me how to think of the glass being half full, so when I keep this mindset (which isn’t always easy of course) I realize how lucky we are to have had the times with my mom that we did. For example, this summer, we got to go on a family trip to Maui when she had ONE LUNG. The amount of “one lung” jokes we had was probably a little over board, but I’m laughing as I write this and I know she is too. My mom also loved the Florida Keys, and we will go back soon because she’d want us to and we know she’ll be with us there too.

My 12 year old brother Chase and I have watched our dad Jason and witnessed what “in sickness and in health” really looks like. Our new immediate family in the house is Chase, Jason, and myself and we all agree to “be a little more like mom” on a lot of things. I think everyone could use a bit more Honor. Right now, I use the tools she taught me like taking things day by day, breathing, praying, laughing, thinking of what there is to look forward too, appreciating the people around us, giving our worries to God, and trusting in His plan that is already set for us. These are some of the MANY components that contributed to my mom’s strength and I hope you all continue to feel it in your own ways, that’s what she would want. We will all get through it and I am sending her love and our love to you all as we move into a new year…Hon We Go!

Aloha! Ahh back to life, and back to reality.

Maui Memories

Our trip to Maui was just what we all needed. Well, who doesn’t need 8 days in paradise? But the four of us certainly were ready for a change of pace. The days were spent on the beach and the evening dinners over looking the ocean. We had an ongoing spades tournament and each night the teams would take another shot at each other. It is worth noting that I seemed to always be on the winning team.   Faith and I spent hours with our books ,under umbrellas on the beach, while Jason would be in charge of wearing Chase out. Being a California surf kid, he just HAD to surf even if the Maui surf was next to nothing. He spent hours sitting his board for waves that never came, chatting with locals and loving every minute. Any vacation spent with family is wonderful, but after our past few months , this one was exceptional.  One parenting tip is to have your children share a bed on vacation, this way no matter how little they interact at home, while on vacation, they have extra time to bond. It was the highlight of my trip listening to them laughing together each night while we were trying to go to sleep. Jason would tell me to go “shush” them , worried about being good neighbors, but I never did.

It turns out breathing with one lung is just as fine in Maui as it is in San Diego. My walking speed was still ‘old-folks home speed’, but I could keep up with the kids and enjoy the scenery more as I had more time to look at it.

Coming home from our trip was a quick dose of reality. Faith started her senior year the very next day, and life and routine fell right back into place. I was excited as I felt more energy each day and life was resuming some semblances of normalcy.  Grocery store trips, by myself ,starting with Trader Joe’s and I even worked my way up to Costco! Chase had a few extra days left of summer, so I got be the surf taxi again,  it was wonderful. The sweetness of life’s every day routines was not lost on us, and as nice as Maui was ,  being an independent Mom again , was just as wonderful.

But wait…. not so fast.

It was time for my first scan since have the lung/tumor removed. I started with the CT scan, which showed some suspicious activity in the chest cavity where the lung was. Then a few long days while waiting do to the next diagnostic testing , which was the PET scan. Cancer patients refer to this time as “scaniety”. It’s a real deal, that is for sure but, here’s the one of the perks about  having done this before. Because it isn’t my first rodeo,  I can handle the waiting and wondering much better than 10 years ago. Early on in this journey I decided to TRUST God fully. I mean FULLY. I knew that questioning any of this would get me no where. I also knew that to trust Him fully means to accept the outcome or changes that come my way, that aren’t according to my plan. The amazing benefit of trusting this way is how peaceful it helps me be. I am able to wait the days and know that whatever it is, God has this. He totally has me.

The two spots in my chest cavity turned out to be colon cancer cells left behind when the tumor was removed. These little sneaky cells had a few months to grow and surgery was scheduled the very next day. My team is amazing and they don’t mess around. So battle gear back on , I went to for what was to be surgery number two September 7th.  It is never a good thing when the surgery nurses recognize you , and know your name. But the surgery went well, and they got both tumors with clear margins.

Surgery and Slumber Parties

I spent one night in the hospital , with Leslie offering to stay with me so Jason could go home and be with the kids. Les is an old pro at sitting me with in hospitals by now, she knows every vending machine and where the best coffee is. We seem to have some our most hysterical moments during these surreal slumber parties. My nurse let us rearrange furniture and got Leslie a big ol pull out chair as we settle in for the long night. Leslie tried her best to get comfortable in her chair and the nurse told us good night night switched the lights off. Except  that because I am on the good pain meds, I have lots to talk about and say and so we both lay in the dark discussing everything under the sun. At one point I asked her for some chapstick as my lips were so dry. She handed me something and says’ it’s not chapstick but it feels good and will do the trick’. I promptly applied whatever she gave me to my lips ,doing my best in the dark, and then she did the same. SO then  I ask her ” Are we both laying here with lipstick on?’  ” Yes” she replied. We both giggle at the thought and continue talking until we finally start dozing off. About 20 minutes later , a tech shows up in my room with his portable x-ray machine to take some images. Of course it’s the middle of the night  but hospitals are a lot like casinos, there is no actual time in those places. So Leslie has to leave the room and I have to sit up as he props the cold hard film behind my back. He shines a light on my chest , which feels like a spotlight in the dark room and lights up my face as well , and  he asks  “Are you ready for your close up?”. It was then I realized I have the glossy lipstick on and wondering what in the world this guy must be thinking. I opted not to point it out on the off chance he didn’t see me my red-carpet ready lips. When Leslie came back into the dark room , I reminded her we have lipstick on and I just had my picture taken.  Next time I will bring my own chapstick.

Then  it was then back home to start the recovery process , AGAIN. It’s like a groundhog day or deja vu’ …didn’t we just do this? Uh yes. But again, here’s where experience helps. Jason  and the kids fall into place, everyone knows what needs to be done, and they do their part and I do mine. This recovery has been a walk in the park, compared to the lung removal , but it is still a slow process.

During follow up visits with the Dr.’s we confirmed that it was a silver lining that both tumors were explainable as left behind cells from the first surgery as opposed to new tumors in other places. So we take any silver lining we can get. And I still have the 18 clean lymph nodes to be very proud of and makes a very good case that this tumor was still contained in my lung. I am fortunate to have docs that are willing and  to surgically remove this cancer from my body. They are so confidant that they both agreed that if  I have anymore of these , we can still stay on top of them by taking them out. All very good options. Of course when Dr.Fanta looks at me and says ” this is not life threatening, and we have lots of options” those words are not lost on me. If you ever have to have an Oncologist you want him to be able to say those very words.

We have all heard the catch phrase ” Living with Cancer”. That pretty much sums it up. Living with it, sure beats the alternative. I am now living with cancer. I guess I always was. Even during those seven years after remission when I almost couldn’t remember that we went through all of that, 10 years ago. I now know that living with cancer means I will have be on top of things forever, and that things might pop up from time to time, but we will deal with them as they come and I will live with cancer as part of my life, but hopefully not in my body. I long for a time years from now where I have had many years of cancer free PET scans and surgeries are in my past.  I know I will get there, I know I will be 50 and then 60 and then 70 and on I will go.

The plan , as of now , is healing and recovery and scan every four weeks. It is my prayer that my scans will be clear and this cancer is all out of my body, again. I am resting and trusting  that even though this next phase of this journey is fluid and uncertain , we have every reason to pray and hope for clean scans to come.

I know God is hearing every prayer that is happening on my behalf and I will cannot thank you enough. Your prayers help me gear up and battle on. I know I am in the best hands of Jesus. He totally and completely has me.

The verse  below is such a heavenly reminder that I don’t need to carry this burden, in fact it  was  way too heavy and huge for me and my one lunged self to carry anyway. I have handed it over and He is doing it for me.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me… for my yoke is easy , and my burden is light”

(Matt 11:28- 30)

Amen.

Hon we are going!

I Failed PE

It’s true. It was a combination of things. One being I hated running the mile, so my friend (who shall remain nameless for protection, but looks a lot like my fried Michelle)  and I would, on occasion, run one lap and then hide behind a shed and join the rest of the class on the last lap. The teachers caught on and my grade suffered that semester. Then I had swim as a first period class, and if you saw my bangs back then you would know why I could not afford to get them wet first period. There was only 7 minutes to towel off , get dressed and get to 2nd period , and lord knows my hair needed TIME to look that good. So, I opted to not to swim the necessary classes needed to pass that semester. All this resulted in me being the only senior who had to take PE. While the rest of my friends were getting out at 12 and heading to the beach, I was headed to the smelly locker room. I had the stereotypical PE teacher, who was weathered and days away from retirement, and who ,I am pretty sure, hated me. I was so embarrassed as I walked up to roll call as the only senior in a sophomore/freshman PE class. I stood on my number, and she called me up to the front where she handed me a white collared shirt that said “Honors PE”. It was a play on words, but it was a confidence booster and she knew it. It was brilliant. While the others wore see-through tee shirts , I dressed out in that collard shirt every day and wanted to make her proud. She let me take roll daily and gave me privileges that semester… carrying the balls and keeping score. There I was the PE teacher’s pet! Oh the irony. But I worked for her and wanted to make her proud. The truth is I have never really loved  exercising  and working out. I love the idea of it, I love the outfits , I love the camaraderie and the feeling when it’s over. Just ask any of my friends who I have worked out with over the years, they will tell you this is true. Michelle might even be able to tell you all the excuses I  have tried with her over the years when I didn’t have a shed to duck behind.  So it struck me as ODD when I recently I started seeing joggers and people working out and I  started feeling green with envy.  I am at the point in my recovery where I worry about a far off parking space and how winded I will be by the time I get in the store. So to see people just effortlessly working out seems like amazing achievement. I now regret every workout I didn’t  enjoy. Don’t get me wrong , I know there will be a fitness routine in my future , but it is a long way off. My fitness goals are still ; walks around the block and a trip to Costco.  Of course I am happy , grateful , blessed and thrilled beyond words to have one cancer free lung doing the job of two lungs, but I never thought I would miss doing those dang stairs in La Mesa, but I do. My PE teacher somehow knew that by giving me a shirt that made me feel like the top pf the PE class, that I might actually act like it, and I did. So yea, I might start wearing the yoga pants again the walking shoes and the whole getty up with high hopes!

Recovery is overall going very well. I have the stamina of a 87 year old and the labored breathing of a chain smoker,  so I have to  pick and choose daily activities. . I have to pace my conversations , so I don’t run out of breath mid sentence…. which for a chatty cathy like me, ain’t easy. One thing I can’t do (currently) is run to the phone. I have found if I do run to grab a call, I can’t actually take the call , thus defeating the purpose.  Also (insert violins here) I have a hard time bending over , so emptying the dishwasher is out of the question. So sad. However,  I can see the progress being made and need to work on being patient as this goes. Dr.Fanta reminded me to be patient and told me “this is one one our biggest surgeries so give yourself lots of time”. OH great! Now you tell me.

Fortunately for me, husband-of-the-year is still going strong, with no signs of slowing down.  Well, he does slow down when walking with me, it’s cute when I catch him walking way out in front of me, and then he stops while I catch up.  I am more certain than ever that we will spend our golden years together, and I hope I can someday wait while he catches up.

The One Lung Look

A few weeks ago, I drove for the first time to take Faith to have her senior pictures taken. As we walked up  (slowly) with a school administrator  I briefly said  that I was recovering from surgery as a way to explain my 87 year old shuffled walk and labored breathing. When she asked if I was ok – I promptly told her “Oh yea, I had my lung removed due to a cancerous tumor”.  When I saw the look on her face I quickly realized I better come up with a more generic explanation. The truth is even people who KNOW  what I had done even look at me with a long stare. I get it. It is CRAZY. To think they can take an entire lung out and my heart and my left lung just kick in and start to compensate….  it is wild. Before surgery I did spend some time thinking about my right lung…. how it was there when I took my very first breath ,how it took deep breaths as I walked down the aisle to marry my guy , and  how it helped me pace my breaths while I had my brought our two babies into the world, and then finally  how it protected and contained the recurrent tumor so my life could be saved. What a great  lung it was.  It will be missed. RIP right lung.

 The Fantastic Fanta & Our Awesome God

After surgery, my instructions from my surgeon , were to recover and to be patient as it would take 3-6 months to resume normalcy. On one of my follow up appointments we asked my surgeon if I could take a vacation. “Where?” he asked. Not sure why that mattered …unless I was going to say climbing Mt.McKinley. When I told him Maui , he simply said ” That sounds fun”.  So we booked it! Apparently surgeons are good at surgery not small talk.

At some point we knew we had to “circle back” and see Dr.Fanta ,my oncologist, and discuss next steps. Jason and I grappled with whether or not we wanted this information prior to going to Maui or after.  Finally, we  agreed we wanted to know sooner than later, so I made the appointment. Last week while waiting to see Dr.Fanta he peeked his head around the corner and saw us and got a huge grin on his face, and said “I am so excited to see you!”. Uh, gee thanks, wish I could say the same thing. Walking into the Moore’s Cancer Center is surreal and  humbling every single time. When I am out in the world I can choose not think about cancer, I can not be a “cancer patient” , but the moment my foot crosses that threshold at the center, it is ON. Every smiling sweet face , from the greeter to the check-in desk to the candy stripers. They all know whats up. Jason valets the car each time so I don’t have to walk too far, and the valet guy  knows our name ” Have a good day Mrs. Beyer”. Again, surreal and humbling. Patients all exchange knowing and empathetic smiles and we anxiously await our names being called and the information or treatment that will follow. This day was different. Dr. Fanta saw us first and his face lit up. By the time we got into a room he came bounding in and shook Jason’s hand and grabbed me in for a big ol’ hug. He went on and on about how great I looked…. considering. Then he asked if I had had seen the pathology reports., which was why I was here! Obviously we knew what the tumor was and when the whole lung came out – so did the tumor, so we knew that was straightforward. All along there was concern and uncertainty about lymph node involvement due to the location of the tumor and my aorta valve,  here’s the GOOD PART, Dr. Fanta immediately told us that 18 lymph nodes were taken out and ALL 18 tested negative for cancer. His smile was HUGE and our jaws dropped. This is really miraculous news and a complete answer to the prayers we have received.  Our hearts are cautiously optimistic all the while we cried on the way home at the amazing gift we had just been given. Dr. Fanta is also cautiously optimistic that after our vacation I will have a scan and if all is clean and clear, “observation” could be an option as my next phase. It’s too soon to throw a party but not too soon to thank you ALL for the prayers and to thank GOD for the bringing us to this news.

Jason and I have been humbled and carried by the notes of love and support. The meals,  the gifts , the calls and THE CARDS. It’s been 6 months and STILL we get a card , a note , cookies. Just little tokens that remind our family that the prayers have not ceased. They mean everything.

For the first time in 6 months we can take a deep breath ( well not literally) and enjoy some good news.  We will bask in it and give all thanks and glory  to our amazing God.  MAHALO

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you

great and unsearchable things you do not know. 

Jeremiah 33:3

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance for what we do not see”

Hebrews 11:1 

Having Faith

Exactly 17 years ago I became a mother. God gave us exactly what we needed June 30th 1999 : FAITH. Here’s a little side story some may or may not know. Jason and I had been married for two years when I found a suspicious spot on my face was a surface stage melanoma. Yep, we really have had our share of this stuff. Because it was caught and removed twice surgically. The opinions to treat with chemo or not differed from the  doctors we met with.  Looking back I remember how young and nervous we were as we navigated through those appointments and our first heavy decision as a couple. Little did we know  we were actually in training for the bigger event that would come later in our lives. Sometimes the scariest things end up being the actual blessings , but you rarely know it when you’re in the middle of the storm.  While we were wrestling with the options, I kept waking up in the morning feeling nauseous and blaming Jason and the smells coming from his Atkins diet , I know …so 90’s right? But a few weeks after my diagnosis , we got different news…. we were going to have a baby.  After the surprise and shock wore off we soon realized this was the answer to our prayers. There would be no chemo because we now had a baby on the way and I couldn’t do both. We didn’t have to decide… God sent us a baby so that was answered for us. We simply had to have faith that this was going to be ok and that this would be the last of the melanoma.  And it was. So obviously, this is why she is named Faith. It was all we had at that time and it was all we needed. As it turns out , it still is. Here we are 17 years later , allowing our faith to guide us through the murky waters and know our hope is in Him.

Turning Corners

Heading into surgery I was so touched by all the love and support. I knew I was going into this major surgery with so much love and prayers abundant. I have mentioned before that I am a big believer in visual imagery and my visual picture that morning ,as I was being wheeled into the operating room, was of myself and the team around me being lifted up by the prayers that were going on below me, to the east , west , north and south of me.  Apparently, I had a big ol’ bunch of hospital groupies who gathered that morning to pray and support my family. I heard of prayers going on all over the US and abroad. How lucky am I?

The surgery was a success. The right lung ( and all the crappy cancer in it) came out, and the doctor was very happy with how everything went. I spent the first night in ICU with Jason snoring next to me on a cot. The next day I was moved up to the normal floor where I would spend the next 5 days recovering , eating oatmeal and applesauce. My nurses were awesome. My every need was met, and my pain meds were never late. Maybe because my sister in-law bribed them with pastries or maybe I was just a stellar patient and the reason why they went into medicine, who knows. One night shift nurse was especially sweet. She was my very own Zoey (for the Nurse Jackie fans).  She was the first one to be brave enough to crack a lung joke. With her stethoscope she listened to my heart and then my left (and only) lung.  ” Sounds good ” she said. Then she moved over to my right side and “listened”. “NOPE! NOTHING THERE!” and she giggled and laughed. It took me a minute to realize – oh ok I guess we are laughing about this now? And I joined right in. She told me she thought I would have lots of fun in the future by not telling medical professionals and waiting to see the looks on the faces as they searched and listened for the sounds that should be coming from the right side. Sure Zoey, I’ll look forward to that. At night she would tell me the scheduled times she was going to come back in, but she also told me she would check in on me before that as well. No really, I don’t need twice the checking! Everyone knows you can rest in the hospital but you can’t actually sleep. Sure enough I would hear the curtain slide open and the lights from the hall would creep in, so I would crack open my eyes and there she was waving and smiling at me, checking in on me just as she said she would. Like a puppy or a four year old  who think you want to see them that much.  I would wave back and try to get back to sleep as fast as I could before it was time for her to come back and actually do nursing things , like vitals and meds.

Leslie brought me my coffee every morning and I savored every sip. Days blurred by while I was managing  pain and taking baby steps. My room looked like a wedding reception with some gorgeous flowers, which gave beauty to a room where I didn’t wash my hair for 5 days , so lord knows it needed something pretty. We did try this hair cap that claims to wash your hair by adding additional dry chemicals to it , and although I am sure it looked worse after, I didn’t have a mirror so I chose to tell myself that I looked better.

The kids came to see me , but mostly they  kept busy with wrapping up Chase’s last week of school and watching his team play (and win)  in the TOC. Chase had so many wonderful friends and family cheering him on, and I got great updates on scores and plays. It was just like I was there, except for the bed with scratchy linens and a dress with no backside.

My surgeon was pleased with my progress. Each day I was evaluated and another tube would be removed. The chest tube came out on schedule and the epidural used to control pain was the last to come out. That was a shocker , as the breathing and movement all became more real when the area was no longer numb. I was getting to think this was a walk in the park , until that reality showed up. But overall , I did well enough that they said I could go home. Ofcourse I wanted to go home, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I would miss my attentive nursing staff and mechanical bed. But I got the green light, and on Father’s Day ,  Jason hauled me and my floral collection home and started the busy work of being my caretaker. From hair washing to waking me up in the middle of the night every four hours , he has been amazing. We have a huge bed that sits about 10 feet off the ground (not really but almost) so this meant  Jason had to actually lift me in and out of bed. After a  few days of that , he came home from the store  with a variety of stools to choose from. I now have stools for every day of the week.  The first week home I laid very low and by that following weekend I knew I was turning a corner. I was wearing normal clothes and moving around the house more. Each night I took  laps in the driveway and each day I can see progress being made. Tiny tiny bits of progress.

My at home days of recovery are full of the sweetest blessings and God’s mercies are everywhere. The sweetest angels have been dropping of dinner on our porch regularly. With Jason’s hands full of my needs and kids stuff , it is the most wonderful treat to have the gift of dinners – just done. Chase gets home late from his daily all-star practicing and it has been so great to not have to think about dinner or have to go get it. Thank you the people who have made all that happen. And thank you to those who have offered. Every text and every card means so much. We are surrounded by such wonderful love and support.

Sunday I had my first outing, to watch the first of Chases’s All-Star games. It felt great to be out and it felt great to get back home. Everything is a snails pace for me.  My breathing is different and I lose my breath doing dumb tasks, like sitting down. I know this is temporary  and to be expected. My  docs say my stamina and speed will take at least three months to be back to normal. I do know it doesn’t take much stamina or speed to sit by the beach and sip a Mi Tai so we are hopeful Doctors will clear me for a vacation this summer.

Last night felt like I turned a big corner, well actually I did…. I turned TWO big corners.  I walked around the whole  block. It was wonderful. Turning corners and seeing the progress is such a blessing. I am so very grateful to have this surgery behind me. I am so very grateful they were able to get the cancer out of my body. I am beyond grateful for the love and support of family and friends.  There really isn’t a word in the english language the describes the feeling while going through a trying ordeal and yet feeling so completely filled with gratitude.

So on we will go – celebrating summer and celebrating small recovery milestones. Some time in the late summer we will reconvene with Dr.Fanta and my oncology team and see what he thinks about the next and hopefully final  steps I will need to make to complete this detour. But until then I get to recover , regroup and rejoice that this is behind me!

After completeing  four rounds of chemo , ( which isn’t very many mind you ) my fabulous Dr. Fanta walked in the room and told me not to be disappointed, but the chemo wasn’t shrinking the tumor is my lung. I was disappointed and I felt a lot like a kid who goes to the parent teacher conference expecting a great report card, just to be blindsided by the F she didn’t know she was getting. Wait… what? Dr. Fanta reminded us that is is early in the game, and that it was really too soon to tell if it was or was not working. However, he wanted to meet with the tumor board ( a group 20 or so doctors  who meet and add input to each other cases) and see what they had to say, whether to continue with more treatment or to go ahead with surgery. Dr.Fanta told us it was unanimous, they all agreed to get it out, now. Because I tolerated the chemo well, and my blood counts were all good, docs want me in surgery while I am strong and healthy.  I guess I should take this as a compliment.

Here’s the crazy catch: They will have to take my entire right lung. Now, I know this sounds very dramatic, but the truth is I am happy to let them. If you remember from my first blog post, the first call in the closet, where I was told that surgery was not an option. Well , guess what?  It is! So take THAT ! And as it was in the beginning , the best news has always been that my tumor is in one location. So with each scan, if one little tiny cell had popped up on the scan anywhere else , I would not be getting this surgery. So you can quickly see how grateful I am that surgery is an option.

Last week, Jason and I meet with my surgeon. I like him for many reasons. His first name rhythms with his last name, which I like. He made a joke about having an NRA sticker on his car, which Jason liked. Oh and he’s the BEST thoracic  surgeon in town. He’s confidant and he’s seasoned and I know God put me in the best hands. Surgery is now set for June 14th. This is the day I will get this cancer out of my body. There have been a few meetings where Jason and I have sat looking at images on a computer screen, seeing this large smudge that is now residing in my right lung. It is sobering and yet makes me all the more willing to let my lung go – just to get this thing gone. Life with one lung will be fine. Dr. P explained that the first few months, I will be tired and have shortness of breath as my left lung learns to compensate and do all the work. But that people go on to do just fine with one lung. In fact, most of the well meaning people who tell me about someone they know living with one lung, usually are old people. So these stories do help me and make me feel good about being young heading into this. He did say I will not do well in high altitudes , which is totally fine with me , as I am way more of a sea-level kinda gal anyway.

For my amazing prayer warriors, I will be counting on you  June 14th. Please pray for a smooth and successful surgery. We want this out, and I know I will feel the strength and power of your prayers that day and it will be done.  Dr. P says I will be in the hospital under his watch for about 5 or so days.  He says he keeps me so he can come see me and watch me himself. He says if he sent me home, he would worry, so this way he doesn’t have to worry. Did I mention he’s Italian? They worry…it’s a thing.

In the meantime, I have two glorious weeks to enjoy feeling good again and doing normal life, which I am savoring every second of.  Last weekend Jason planted fresh plants in the backyard as he said he wanted it to be extra pretty for me while I recover. Am I the luckiest gal or what?  The kids are doing well. Since this isn’t our first rodeo, they know full well how  Mom will get through this surgery and recovery. They know the enormous love and support we have, and they know God has us all in His firm grip.  In the meantime, we celebrate the start of  summer, and God’s daily reminders of His faithfulness and love.  I want to thank each and every person who has commented, prayed, hugged, loved, talked, walked, cried, sighed, smiled and laughed, texted, called  with me since this started. I consider each one of you a gift…. Sometimes it’s like you all got together and mapped out who would do what when. There is such a steady stream of support that it seems coordinated. Can I just talk about the cards for a minute? I have received the most touching , sweet and encouraging cards , ever.  If I am every having a minute where I wonder how the heck I am going to get through this, I walk to my HUGE card collection and start reading the reminders from all of you wonderful cheerleaders. It’s amazing and I am humbled at the love and support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hon we will go….. maybe a little slower at first but on we will go.

“Do not be afraid or discouraged

because of this vast army

For The Battle is Not Yours But God’s”

2 Chronicles 20:15

Visualizing the Victory

10 years ago when cancer first came a-knocking , Chase was two and half and we lived on Lemon Avenue a few shorts blocks away from the local little league fields. I would sit outside and watch him play and from our back yard I could  hear the crack of a big hit followed by the cheers from the proud parents , and I would visualize myself sitting in the stands in years to come. I used visual imagery to picture the exciting newness of the tea-ball years, the long long caps games where you get so bored you look longingly over at the minors games and watch them more than your own , then the fun of the minors years and then MAJORS! I would picture it all …. see myself on each field cheering on our guy. And guess what – here we are in the majors leagues baby! And although I didn’t picture this reoccurrence happening , I realized it’s time to start visualizing much bigger.

So,  recently we got to fit it a river trip on a good weekend. We like to stop in Yuma to do our grocery shopping, at a nice new grocery store that’s a huge hit with the local snowbirds and retirees. You would know this as soon as you walked in by the 50 motorized shopping carts lined up.  Then it happened …..I had an epiphany at the deli counter. Crazy but true.  The most incrediby helpful deli counter associate was INSISTING that I sample every meat and cheese I was ordering. It started with the turkey – she suggested I try it. Uh ok, I can handle  one slice of deli turkey , which I wasn’t buying for myself…. my taster is off and I had no desire to risk it.  But she was so dang sweet so I ate half and secretly stuffed the other half in my purse. Then I ordered some cheese – which made her very excited because of how well that cheese went the turkey I was buying – so of course she made me a turkey cheese roll up to prove her point. [ OK :SIDENOTE: This is where no -hair could actually be a benefit. If I had no hair she would have figured me out way quicker and not insisted I eat all these deli delights. Having said that – I am grateful DAILY for my hair and will happily stuff deli meats and cheeses in my purse.]  People, let me tell you this went on for a few more meats and cheeses. So I had to ask myself, why in the world is she taking this much time with me?   I looked around and noticed the pace of the rest of the customers. I realized that her average customer has nothing but time to sample the delicacies of her counter. Then it hits me – This is my next visualization strategy. Sure , graduations , weddings and grandchildren all sound swell – but that moment surrounded by the sweet gray haired Q-tip people I knew what I wanted. These people are the winners and I want what they have! Not because they have never seen hard times, quite the opposite. Because they have seen it, lived it, made it to their 80’s and are still smiling and appreciating life and  the time at the deli to sample macaroni salad.  I announced to Jason , that I look forward to being his ‘old lady’, a term I never liked until now. I picture us on a center console boat in the keys , fishing with our dogs. Spending part time there and wherever our family is. Jason enjoyed reminding me that we are currently getting great practice for our 80’s. We toddle together to doctors appointments, the pharmacy and he even took me to the DMV to renew my license. So yes, we will make a great old people pair. And I am looking forward to it.

Smooth Sailing

Seems like each blog needs to have a Dr.Fanta moment…. I don’t go looking for them, they find me.  So after our last visit, on our way out he says ” Oh wait I have something for you!” He proceeds to hand us an invitation to go sailing with him and the staff and some selective patients. “Sailing and Healing” Seriously?  Although , at first I am flattered to have been asked, I quickly wonder whose bright idea was that. I picture the staff meeting where some energetic well meaning intern says “Lets invite some always slightly nauseous chemo patients out on a sail boat for the day! ‘Great idea’ the rest chime in! “Yes let’s scratch the day at Magic Mountian and take them sailing…that’s perfect!” Between the wind on the wigs and hats and the already seasick passengers, this will be a day to remember. I quickly come to the decision that I will pass on this event and instead opt for some Christopher Cross in my earbuds in the back yard while looking at the pool. Yea that works.

Sailing takes me away to where I always

heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

And soon I will be free

Replacing Fear with FAITH

I get lots of time to sit and think about all this. I also get lots of moments to share with others how we are getting through this. I realize for many – ok – most people this would be their worst nightmare. 10 ten years ago this was absolutely true for our family. I was 32 , I had small children and I didn’t even know what a colon was. I was scared and fought the fear on a daily basis. And GOD was never closer to me. So , we saw first hand how HE can carry you through. So I can’t imagine second guessing HIM now – or ever. Even in the midst of hard realities and difficulties there are some things we must cling to and hold on to as if our lives depended on it: because they do.

1. God loves us and will not leave us.
2. This battle isn’t ours. The battle belong to the Lord. I am choosing to let Him fight for me. I get to save my emotional energy for the amazing blessing and mercies He gives us daily.  My job is to be obedient to to God. God’s job is to win this battle. Don’t believe me …just watch.
3. The battle might not be easy or short-lived, but the victory will be there. FAITH baby!
4. God is good even circumstances are harder than you even imagined. God is good everyday and every day God is good.

Be joyful in hope

Patient in Affliction

Faithful in Prayer

Romans 12;12

Rounding for Home

Today as I write, it’s me and my fanny pack and looking toward a week of couch and bed. But’s it ok. One of the many mercies is how fast time is flying by, even the down weeks. The good weeks – WHIZ by. Basically I have to try to fit all the normal stuff of one month into 8 decent days. The kids stuff comes first and fills up fast, baseball games , school functions, and recently prom dress shopping and fittings… such wonderful things! Can’t forget about a date night or two with the husband-of-the year . Then squeezing in visits and catch up with friend and family as energy allows.  It’s the good stuff that life is made of!

I realize this can be confusing for some people. As in most don’t see me during a down week – by design. I hunker down and get each day done. I don’t eat food for about 4 days but ironically I watch mostly cooking shows. I do have a few inner circle friends who come anyway. They drop off soup, they climb into bed with me. They act like they don’t even notice that my teeth aren’t brushed.

So that when the good weeks roll around I have 65% energy back, I do my HAIR I put on make up and run about to get in as much most normal stuff I can possible squeeze in.

With number four almost in the rear view -I will have  two good  weeks off before the scan day. This scan will show us how this tumor responded to the chemo. The day after the scan we will meet with Dr.Fanta and our fancy schamncy team to hear what’s next. Maybe a few more treatments, maybe not.  Maybe a 6 week break and surgery. God already has the perfect plan … we just have to wait in faith to see what it is.

Each time I have headed for chemo, Chase would give me a  baseball analogy. Chemo number one he told me I was up to bat – but just needed to get a sweet single, nothing crazy. Then number two – “Just a  drive up the line to get you to second base Mom” . Then chemo number three he said “You’re headed for third Mom – smart base running!’ Well number four  he said this  ” You’re rounding for home MOM then you’ve made it!” I told him ‘ Yes I am, but what we don’t know yet is if we have do extra innings , but either way we will win”. Visualizing the Victory. Amen.

Sprung for Spring Break

My Spring Break looked something like this photo from the best goofball comedy of the 80’s. While Faith was off on her East Coast College tour, Jason and I took Chase and a buddy to the river.

With each post-chemo day I would think I was resuming normal energy, when all actuality I was Bernie, being propped up in a variety of locations to be appear as normal as possible. But this is all a part of the Hon We Go strategy. And it works.  My amazing in-laws set up the trailer so all we had to do was show up and relax.
It’s a funny transition back for me and for my spotter, Jason. After a week where he carefully watches my every move,making  sure I am drinking water and eating food – to letting me be a big girl again – eyeing me the way he would eyeball a toddler when you decide it’s time to them discover something on their own – and risk the outcome. He encourages me to do something, all the while he’s right there just in case I’m not ready . Like dishes or better yet driving. But with each post-chemo day I get more big-girl privileges and the energy to do normal stuff.

Being at the river was great, and as it turns out trailer park speed was just perfect for me . Snow bird style – maybe I’ll make it to down to the bingo hall for social hour – maybe not . Maybe I’ll wonder over and chat with a fellow park neighbor about the weather. Maybe I’ll shuffle on down to shuffle board.  The low-key options are endless.  Chase did encourage me to play nine holes of golf one day – which was a big step. He was his usual encouraging self when my shots were decent and he was very patient when I needed to sit down on a hole.

Sometimes life slams on your brakes for you – like it or not, now you are going low key ,low speed and low maintenance. The doctors talk about fatigue and ways to manage it. It’s all about conserving energy and making wise choices. So on the “down chemo days” I have choices to make.
1) Brush hair OR  slap some make up on. Pick one.
2)Choose one outfit for day that can carry you through the day and night and possibly right back into bed… choose wisely.
3)Return calls or texts – usually texts wins every time. I get these wonderful texts during a day – little reminders of the love and support I have out there. We are so not alone in this. The encouragement is constant and  it  is a life saver. There is a certain since of power one can start to feel knowing you have this list o tribespeople who have offered to be at your beckon call. Last week lemonade sounded good – and WHOOMP there is was – hand delivered by my childhood friend of 30 years.
My  Aunt comes by on chemo weeks to walk my highly energetic dog Tuck Johnson. Most days he stares at me like this ……

So having him mellow on my resting days and knowing he got out is such a treat for both of us!

Keep Your Head Up And Handle It

I try to think of this detour as a job – one that I would never sign up for but one I am grateful to have as it’s going to pay the bills. I’ve been fortunate that I have never had to work at a job I didn’t like. Well, except my first job at B Dalton bookstore- where people kept coming up to me asking me where books were … so rude. They would come right up to me, asking me where a book was thus forcing me to use the microfiche and then standing there over my shoulder while I tried to recall which came first s or r. The pressure was just too much! When I signed up, all I wanted to do was ring people up. Using a cash register had always been a dream of mine. When they announced I had to stocks books after hours, knowing I was alphabetically challenged, I knew my days in book sales were numbered.
But other than that – I have enjoyed every job I have done. Teaching was my first professional love (still is) and staying home with my babies was a job I loved. Then when I went into the world of insurance and marketing I enjoyed the challenges and the professional growth of those years. So I have really never ever had to get up and go grind at a job that I dreaded. I always said I never would. I’d quit. I’d find something I like- life’s too short blah blah blah. Well turns out – life IS too short so you gotta get yo butt up and hustle. It may come as a surprise to some reading that I’ve been a  rap fan since 7th grade when Beastie Boys told me I should fight for my right to party. I’m thankful to many of my favorite thugs because they taught this white girl from the streets of La Mesa, important life skills; all  from a parental advisory album.

Hahaha, that’s right
I know it seem hard sometimes but uh


Remember one thing

Through every dark night, there’s a bright day after that
So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out

Keep your head up and handle it
~ Tupac

So Chemo #2 is done and handled.

The routine of this is taking shape.  The chemo weeks are quiet and there is very little expectations on my end… as in none.  The kids and Jason keep busy with their work, school and activities and I stay low and quiet and  start to look forward to the better feeling , more energy days of the days that are to come.  I love to hear the on-goings on normal life…kids making plans with friends, friends coming and going. It’s all the buzzing and the sounds of the stuff I live for. Even the “Mom where are my baseball pants”?  Nice to know they still can’t find things without me.

Unfortunately , stillness is not something I have ever been good at. Not gonna lie, I was secretly kinda hoping I could be chemo-super woman. I hear about these people who get treatments and then go to work the next day. They act like they are swinging by the dry cleaners . On my chemo days I am proud of myself if I brush my hair ( which I seem to still have and be holding onto… knock on wood). But I heard this lovely thought recently and it keeps playing in my mind …. God uses silence in our lives in order to share some of His best secrets and that times of stillness are really pathways to closeness with Him.

Yesterday we had a great appointment with Dr.Fanta. He is very encouraging and made sure to remind me how well I was doing. He even validated our parking. No seriously…. he validated our parking. Jason and I still aren’t sure what was going on, but at the end of our long important appointment we were discussing how I still needed to go get the pump disconnected in the lab, and then he asked us where were were parked. Jason tells him how our car is at the valet upfront because I was to tired to walk from the parking lot. Now I maybe in a chemo-fog but I  do know this  is a strange conversation they are having. Then he asked me for the parking ticket. So I give it to him and  headed  for the lab while he and Jason wrapped things up I guess? I took the elevator and guess who took the stairs? Yep. Dr.Fanta.  There he is with my ticket stub talking to the valet guy, calling my car up. What strange universe is this where the life saving oncologist is also the car guy? I don’t know but I like it. However, if  I see him behind the counter making lattes on the 2nd floor cafe I going to reconsider.

Dr.Fanta said my blood counts are “stellar” and that I am holding up great. Ok ..if you say so! You’re the doctor. And apparently the valet. The plan is still two more rounds and followed by a scan. Our fervent prayer is that this chemo is working so well, shrinking this tumor right now.  It’s possible the scans will show that we could shrink it more in which case we would do a few more rounds (grrrr)  , with hopes to have a minimally invasive lung surgery. He said I would have about a 6 week break after chemo before surgery , which sounds good to me.  Break? As in a vacation? As in Umbrella drinks?  I sometimes get ahead of myself.

Mercy and Love

Everyday , even on the not-so-good ones ,  I am reminded  of God’s  love and mercies. I think about when I was a  kid and loving  being in the ocean and jumping over the waves as they rolled in. Every now and then there would be a BIG  wave and I would get tossed and taken under, and just like that I would pop right back up ready for another one.  Well, here I am  in the ocean bobbing just a little bit over my head, but with every strong wave, the ones that hold me down for just a little too long,  I feel the hand of God lifting me up , carrying me through, and I am reminded my heavenly Father will not let me go. He was with me the first time cancer into our lives 10 years ago,  and He  brought us through. He has never left me. His mercies are everywhere and I am so very thankful.

For I, the LORD your God , hold your right hand;

it is I who say to you : Fear not, I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

Amen!

Perspective 

I am trying to wrap my head around all the sweet comments and replies to my first post. Of course I am so flattered by all of you who think I am “amazing”, your words not mine. Here’s the funny thing… you guys would do the same dang thing! I know it. There really is no other option. I want to be real clear, if there was another box ‘Check Here’ for NO cancer or chemo… Then I would have done that for sure! But there was no opt out box, so you have to opt “ALL IN”. And you would do the same. Life is SO SO good, that basically you will do whatever it takes to get back to it!

Now, due to those sweet comments and “atta girls” I had a little spring in my step this week. One only has to walk into an oncology waiting room to quickly realize : You aren’t that special kid.. take a seat. It’s the perfect potpourri of people…. just like me… waiting to see what’s next. The line from a Sunday school song pops in my head ” red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight” .  There we all are. Precious people waiting in a room , catching glimpses of each other and passing sympathetic smiles.  Seems as though all of us  are sitting in groups of two, and all of us seem  to be silently engaged in a game of “Which One Is Here To See The Dr. And Which One is Here To Make Sure They Do”. In most pairs it’s obvious which one is the patient and which one is the “spotter”.  Everyone has a spotter; that person who gets you there, makes sure you fill out the paperwork,  and anchors you to the chair so you don’t flee. Looking around the room, I feel a certain camaraderie and kinship with these people, and if a group hug wasn’t so weird and germ infested I would have totally suggested it because Jesus really does love all the children of the world right?

Perspective really is everything.   For some ridiculous reason, I currently know THREE kids, who are battling cancer. These are families in our social circle who are watching their children battle treatments and side effects. THREE!!! CHILDREN!!!!  Now THIS makes me super grouchy. These kids should be on the playground ,skipping around , and eating marshmallow bunnies.  So when I have to get up and go to chemo on Monday, I will absolutely be thinking of these kids I know. One little warrior girl is on treatment #25…. So really I don’t have anything to complain about. Doesn’t mean I won’t complain (just ask my Spotter)  , just means I shouldn’t.

Packing My Parachute

A few years ago I heard a story that I loved. Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison.

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, “You’re Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!”

“How in the world did you know that?” asked Plumb.

“ I packed your parachute,” the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, “I guess it worked!” Plumb assured him, “It sure did. If your chute hadn’t worked, I wouldn’t be here today.”

There are so many people that help us pack our parachute, some we are aware of and some we don’t even know will have a crucial role in our survival. This week I am in awe of the medical community , specifically the people who CHOOSE to go into oncology. I am grateful for each of them and thankful they chose to study and specialize in exactly what I will need packed in my parachute. How great is that.

And then there are the people that have helped me pack this week. Calls, texts, e-mails, meet-ups and hugs. All helping me pack. For all who have said ” if you need anything” please know you are on the list, and you maybe called this week or in August , hard to say.  As Bette Midler sings ” You Gotta Have Freinds” and man is she right on the money.

Twas The Night Before Treatment ….

Well , before I tell you abut the day I have to share the night before. It was about 10 and everyone else was sleeping. I had “night before  first day of school ” jitters. So I went to hang out in the guest room in  my comfy chair where I  opened my e-mail to find a video of my tiny friend Cate, who was holding the sweetest candle of two angel friends. Cate is a  7 year old  tough cookie-warrior-princess who is awaiting treatment number 25. Can you believe the night before I was to start my number 1 – that dear family made a point to drop ME a gift on my porch? The video message  was of Cate holding the gift and telling me I was going to do great and that she is praying for me! Seriously, there should be rules for being that cute and thoughtful. Within seconds of watching her video message – I had the gift on my lap…and just sat in humbled awe and total admiration of all that this gesture represented. Thankful for a gift of strength and love straight from God himself through an Angel named Cate.

Chemo Day One ~ Trading Parachute for Fanny Pack

I saved Chase’s birthday present to use for treatment days. Not sure how or where he got it. But Whoop there it is!

Day One had a fun unexpected twist. First few minutes in the lobby , I ran smack dab in Dr.Fanta. My guy. My knight in shining dockers. He was carrying a 12 pack of diet coke , which I found rather ironic for a Dr.Fanta. And also was a bit star struck to be seeing him coming into to work. I always assumed they have a VIP back door entrance or maybe one from the heli-pad.  And since I was heading to the “Infusion Center” I wasn’t planning on seeing him today. So it was a pleasant surprise when we said good morning and he put down his 12 pack and starting chatting me up. We got a great pep talk – no white coats on just person to person. Like the Great and Powerful OZ , he somehow knew of my 2 opinions elsewhere. I enjoyed seeing his confidant and possible competitive side come out , and he bragged on why his plan is the best, and there is no one in town that can do what his surgeon can do. So there. All of this while we stood on a staircase. He wished me a great first day and I turned around to follow the yellow brick road.

Day One was overall very smooth. Loved my two nurses. One who accessed the port, like a Boss. I cautiously asked her if today was her first day too? She laughed and said “Oh no hunny I have been doing this since before time”. Perfect then you’re hired! She was literally right on the money and port has been great. She passed me off to Daniel my fabulous Chemo nurse who said he had been doing this for 30 years. (Packing many many parachutes) . I will be reserving and requesting these two experts for next time.

This was my first treatment ever – where I was able to sit up and wear my own clothes. Like an upgrade to first class. I  was doing decent until little pink spots starting appearing on my face and body. Only noticed by me when taking a chemo -selfie for a friend (no thanks to  Jason or nurse Daniel)…..  Hives. SO very fitting for Easter. So they stopped the current treatment for an hour while doping me up with Benadryl. Then I was Zombie Mom from there out. But spots went away and we resumed treatment. Daniel introduced us to my new 48 pump and fanny pack. At first I wore it like a shoulder bag, but then I kept feeling like I was going out somewhere. So I switched it to a fanny pack , which made me feel like a safari leader or dog trainer, both of which I would like to be so that works. Two of my tribe people bought me fanny packs because apparently they are all the rage again – how perfect is that. One even plays music…. Can you even? I picture my self rolling  back in for my disconnect appointment , hat on to cover the greasy hair and playing Beastie Boys or something.

Day one DONE and I was home by 3.

I came home to my dear friend cooking in my kitchen, and fresh sheets on the bed. A little bit of heaven.

There is no place like home and Tuck is clearly aware of his new job.

Today is day two  and man do I have busy plans …..  to stay on top the side effects. Drink water , and possibly talk a walk down the driveway.  Rest and heal and be thankful for every tiny swish I hear from my fanny pack, knowing this is exactly  what  I need do to the job at hand.

I am so thankful for the prayers and positive vibes from all of you. The village is in full effect and Jason and  I am being propped up daily. The kids are being lifted up and loved too- so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks for letting me blog and blab. It is helpful to me and an such an easy way to keep everyone who wants to be in the loop.

Hon we go…. In amazement that we are already one step closer to taking this down

“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have perfect peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer. Take courage; be confident certain and undaunted. For I have overcome the world. ” John 16:33