Detour Ahead ~ Look for Provisions Along the Way
Yes, here we are a few turns into our detour. It helps to look back the last few weeks and see where we started and what we have already done. Makes me feel like we are making progress already… Hence the blog title HON WE GO.
I guess I should start from the beginning. Monday, February 8 , Jason and I were sitting at dinner on our way to OLP College Night. I started having really sharp pain under my arm and started having shortness of breath. Jason looked at me from across the table and told me we had to leave the restaurant as people were starting to stare. I was hoping a glass of Merlot would help, but when I couldn’t take a sip I knew something was really wrong. We got to the car and he announced “I am taking you to the hospital.” I was personally offended and put up a decent fight telling him I just needed to get home and rest. He went directly to the ER. Looking back on this night I am 100% certain that my pain was from a pulled muscle from a great tennis shot that morning , and the shortness of breath was only more noticeable because of the pulled muscle pain. It really was God’s hand walking us into the ER that night, for no reason other than to allow me to be scanned and find the mass that was in my right lung. Surprise!
Guess I need to refresh my story with history from 2007. This was the year I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I was 32 and no… it doesn’t run in my family. I went from a colonoscopy straight to surgery and remained in the hospital for 10 days. Home for two weeks before starting 12 rounds of hard core life saving chemotherapy. It worked by the way. My kids were 2 and 7 during this time, which made it extra hard to leave them for my in patient chemo sessions. But we did it. God never left our side and we had amazing support from family and friends. About one year after chemo during a routine scan, we discovered a tiny nodule in my lung. It was biopsied and was indeed colon cancer that was spread to my lungs. I did a procedure called RFA ( Radio Frequency Ablation) essentially zapping it , frying it , burning it. For five years following this , I was routinely scanned and we never saw any growth or change. With every clean scan a person can start to get a little cocky …Lookie me – I don’t have cancer anymore! Cancer? What cancer ? I don’t’ even have that anymore.
So sometime in 2013 my Oncologist stopped recommending my annual scans. (Insert curse words, judgments , statements , I told you so’s HERE)
Well, that little nodule did start growing. Which is why GOD walked is into the ER that night for a pulled muscle. So I could FIND and FIX it.
There was a few weeks , prior to the lung biopsy, where we could hope and dream it was some infection , or funky lump- of- nothing. All the while the little nagging feeling was becoming a reality. In some ways the waiting game gives you time to adjust and consider the reality and continue to look for the silver linings, and there are many.
Then there was the dreaded call from the oncologist. I tend to take all of my bad calls in the closet. I picture the split screen , where the doc is calling from his big doctor desk surrounded by his books and golfing trophies, and I am sitting in my closet surrounded by my pants and tops. As the call goes on two things happen, first I sink further into the clothes so my head is now covered and next I realize this is not the guy I will be counting on to save my life , again. I text Jason: Come to the closet. This, he knows, is never good. I look into the face of my high school sweetheart and tell him the crappiest of news. At first the news hit hard. Jason and I stare at each other not believing we are having this conversation again. Then I am in humbled awe of the man God gave me to marry. How would I have known when I picked him at such a young age, that he would be such a strong man? I had no idea, but God did. He snaps into this soldier husband, ready to fight the battle right next to me. Although I am on the front line he is right beside me. That night was tough, we sat on the couch, we decided to make a list of all the things we have going for us…. and we came up with a good long list. One of which is our amazing insurance. We commended ourselves for paying such ridiculous rates all these years to stay in a PPO healthcare system where I can go anywhere I want for my health care. It hasn’t always been easy, but moments like this – we knew it was worth it.
Sitting down with the kids is about the hardest part of this whole ordeal. It’s one of those moments , like in a scary movie, where you wanna cover their eyes till it’s over. But since that’s not an option, I try to remember there is much to be learned for them in all of this. Because they are older this time, they will experience the sweetness and the provisions for themselves. They will be able to pray for their Mom. They can and will lean on each other. They will feel the comfort that God will bring them. They will see the kindness of friends and family in action. They will admire their Dad the way I do. God willing, they will see their Mom kick some cancer ass. And when life throws them their own detour someday, they will look back on this time and draw from it. Seeing first hand: sickness and health.
Don’t worry.. I did have a great pity party, for one. The truth is that I was loving this recent chapter of my life. I had gone back to teaching and was loving every minute of my part time teaching job. The students were darling and the teachers I got to work along side are so good and love what they do, it reminded me of everything I always loved about teaching. It was just great fun. This same staff and these same students have been lifting us in prayer this whole time. This week I knew I had to clear the deck, and rearrange my life for the next chapter. I spent an afternoon hugging on my students and passing off my lessons to a sub. I will miss this most. But my amazing principal has left the door open for me to come back when I have regained my health. Which I will do both of those things.. regain health and come back to my classes, hopefully in the fall.
Plans and Provisions ~
So this week was a big one. The usual laundry , baseball game, and a roller-skate birthday party with girlfriends… yes really. It felt like 6th grade all over again and it was wonderful. The main difference was this time, no one was able to shoot the duck and no one was asked to couples skate. But these ladies did lace up and whip around the rink just because they know I love it. Bad Mamajammas right here.
Oh and Jason and I had lots of long , surreal and sobering medical appointments.
Following my call with my ex-oncologist I knew we were going to go bigger and better. Once we reminded ourselves of our great insurance we felt absolutely certain it was time to step up our game. But where do you even start? The yellow pages? Under “Best Oncologist Ever”? So I enlisted a few medical warriors to start asking around. Some even enlisted themselves. My Sister-in-law, Kim , a PA at UCSD in transplant surgery, promptly sent me a message “ You’re coming to UCSD , Ok?” not sure if this was a suggestion or demand , but I didn’t hesitate…”ok”. They next day she had me in the hands of the best oncologist in the system and the best surgeon. Within three days I had all my medical records picked up from all over La Mesa and UCSD had it all. I ran from office to office gathering stacks of paperwork and images on disk. Getting new tests done, new labs and a new attitude. Wednesday, Jason and I met with the new team at UCSD La Jolla. It was 3.5 hour doctor visit. Meeting and talking with everyone on his team. I have never had a team before, it’s very fancy. We really like the doctor and every sweet person that helps navigate this world of what comes next. Jason commented on how fast they start moving you along, so you don’t change your mind.
The plan for now looks like this – I will get a port in on Monday the 14th and will start chemo Monday the 21st. Chemo will be out- patient and I will come home wearing a small pump for 48 hours. On Wednesday I will back and they will disconnect the pump. Most likely the side effects will hit the two days following the pump disconnect, which means I will go off the grid for the two days following and be perking up around the weekend. I will repeat this plan every other week for awhile – we will scan in 8 weeks and be praying the chemo is doing it’s job and shrinking the mass. When we see the scans show the chemo working the doctor and surgeon will evaluate how I am tolerating the chemo and how much mass is shrinking. That will determine when I will have surgery. The smaller the mass the better the surgery. They would like to be able to remove only one or two lobes of my right lung as opposed to the entire right lung. Yikes. I knew there was a reason I never set my sights on a marathon or hiking Mt. Everest. I am so smart. The surgeon was positive and encouraged that there is only one mass – the cancer is still isolated in my lungs which is actually a great silver lining.
Laughing at ourselves trying to take a Dr office selfie and trying not to look old and tired. Jason dons his party socks to lighten the mood.
The reality is that chemo sucks, and no one knows this better than me. I am wishing thinking and praying that this time will be easier. But this chemo is going to stop and shrink this tumor and get me my life back. In between chemo weeks will be good weeks too. We are trying to make this a part of our life, but not our whole life.
God’s provisions are everywhere in this: The way we found this. The speed at which we were put with the top doctors in town. The love of family and friends. The hope and outlook of our medical team.
I am comforted as I feel God’s firm grip on my life and my families. My kids have loving supportive schools to go to everyday, where they are supported and prayed for and with. They have great friends to lean on.
I wanted to start this blog as a way to keep my amazing support staff (all of you) in the loop. I think it will help me to share too. It’s cathartic for me to get it all out and I think it helps those who love and support me know how I am doing and what’s going on.
To say thank you to each of you wouldn’t even cut it. This is only doable with each one of you and your support. My cheerleading squad.
I have heard about the prayer chains going on – and once again I am brought to humbled tears. God has given me everything I could possibly need to do this thing. I am equipped. Now I just have to do it. And I will. And not to mention I have this in writing ….
On we will go.
Walking in faith, knowing and thanking God for lavishing us with hope beyond what we can see.