Having Faith and Turning Corners

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance for what we do not see”

Hebrews 11:1 

Having Faith

Exactly 17 years ago I became a mother. God gave us exactly what we needed June 30th 1999 : FAITH. Here’s a little side story some may or may not know. Jason and I had been married for two years when I found a suspicious spot on my face was a surface stage melanoma. Yep, we really have had our share of this stuff. Because it was caught and removed twice surgically. The opinions to treat with chemo or not differed from the  doctors we met with.  Looking back I remember how young and nervous we were as we navigated through those appointments and our first heavy decision as a couple. Little did we know  we were actually in training for the bigger event that would come later in our lives. Sometimes the scariest things end up being the actual blessings , but you rarely know it when you’re in the middle of the storm.  While we were wrestling with the options, I kept waking up in the morning feeling nauseous and blaming Jason and the smells coming from his Atkins diet , I know …so 90’s right? But a few weeks after my diagnosis , we got different news…. we were going to have a baby.  After the surprise and shock wore off we soon realized this was the answer to our prayers. There would be no chemo because we now had a baby on the way and I couldn’t do both. We didn’t have to decide… God sent us a baby so that was answered for us. We simply had to have faith that this was going to be ok and that this would be the last of the melanoma.  And it was. So obviously, this is why she is named Faith. It was all we had at that time and it was all we needed. As it turns out , it still is. Here we are 17 years later , allowing our faith to guide us through the murky waters and know our hope is in Him.

Turning Corners

Heading into surgery I was so touched by all the love and support. I knew I was going into this major surgery with so much love and prayers abundant. I have mentioned before that I am a big believer in visual imagery and my visual picture that morning ,as I was being wheeled into the operating room, was of myself and the team around me being lifted up by the prayers that were going on below me, to the east , west , north and south of me.  Apparently, I had a big ol’ bunch of hospital groupies who gathered that morning to pray and support my family. I heard of prayers going on all over the US and abroad. How lucky am I?

The surgery was a success. The right lung ( and all the crappy cancer in it) came out, and the doctor was very happy with how everything went. I spent the first night in ICU with Jason snoring next to me on a cot. The next day I was moved up to the normal floor where I would spend the next 5 days recovering , eating oatmeal and applesauce. My nurses were awesome. My every need was met, and my pain meds were never late. Maybe because my sister in-law bribed them with pastries or maybe I was just a stellar patient and the reason why they went into medicine, who knows. One night shift nurse was especially sweet. She was my very own Zoey (for the Nurse Jackie fans).  She was the first one to be brave enough to crack a lung joke. With her stethoscope she listened to my heart and then my left (and only) lung.  ” Sounds good ” she said. Then she moved over to my right side and “listened”. “NOPE! NOTHING THERE!” and she giggled and laughed. It took me a minute to realize – oh ok I guess we are laughing about this now? And I joined right in. She told me she thought I would have lots of fun in the future by not telling medical professionals and waiting to see the looks on the faces as they searched and listened for the sounds that should be coming from the right side. Sure Zoey, I’ll look forward to that. At night she would tell me the scheduled times she was going to come back in, but she also told me she would check in on me before that as well. No really, I don’t need twice the checking! Everyone knows you can rest in the hospital but you can’t actually sleep. Sure enough I would hear the curtain slide open and the lights from the hall would creep in, so I would crack open my eyes and there she was waving and smiling at me, checking in on me just as she said she would. Like a puppy or a four year old  who think you want to see them that much.  I would wave back and try to get back to sleep as fast as I could before it was time for her to come back and actually do nursing things , like vitals and meds.

Leslie brought me my coffee every morning and I savored every sip. Days blurred by while I was managing  pain and taking baby steps. My room looked like a wedding reception with some gorgeous flowers, which gave beauty to a room where I didn’t wash my hair for 5 days , so lord knows it needed something pretty. We did try this hair cap that claims to wash your hair by adding additional dry chemicals to it , and although I am sure it looked worse after, I didn’t have a mirror so I chose to tell myself that I looked better.

The kids came to see me , but mostly they  kept busy with wrapping up Chase’s last week of school and watching his team play (and win)  in the TOC. Chase had so many wonderful friends and family cheering him on, and I got great updates on scores and plays. It was just like I was there, except for the bed with scratchy linens and a dress with no backside.

My surgeon was pleased with my progress. Each day I was evaluated and another tube would be removed. The chest tube came out on schedule and the epidural used to control pain was the last to come out. That was a shocker , as the breathing and movement all became more real when the area was no longer numb. I was getting to think this was a walk in the park , until that reality showed up. But overall , I did well enough that they said I could go home. Ofcourse I wanted to go home, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I would miss my attentive nursing staff and mechanical bed. But I got the green light, and on Father’s Day ,  Jason hauled me and my floral collection home and started the busy work of being my caretaker. From hair washing to waking me up in the middle of the night every four hours , he has been amazing. We have a huge bed that sits about 10 feet off the ground (not really but almost) so this meant  Jason had to actually lift me in and out of bed. After a  few days of that , he came home from the store  with a variety of stools to choose from. I now have stools for every day of the week.  The first week home I laid very low and by that following weekend I knew I was turning a corner. I was wearing normal clothes and moving around the house more. Each night I took  laps in the driveway and each day I can see progress being made. Tiny tiny bits of progress.

My at home days of recovery are full of the sweetest blessings and God’s mercies are everywhere. The sweetest angels have been dropping of dinner on our porch regularly. With Jason’s hands full of my needs and kids stuff , it is the most wonderful treat to have the gift of dinners – just done. Chase gets home late from his daily all-star practicing and it has been so great to not have to think about dinner or have to go get it. Thank you the people who have made all that happen. And thank you to those who have offered. Every text and every card means so much. We are surrounded by such wonderful love and support.

Sunday I had my first outing, to watch the first of Chases’s All-Star games. It felt great to be out and it felt great to get back home. Everything is a snails pace for me.  My breathing is different and I lose my breath doing dumb tasks, like sitting down. I know this is temporary  and to be expected. My  docs say my stamina and speed will take at least three months to be back to normal. I do know it doesn’t take much stamina or speed to sit by the beach and sip a Mi Tai so we are hopeful Doctors will clear me for a vacation this summer.

Last night felt like I turned a big corner, well actually I did…. I turned TWO big corners.  I walked around the whole  block. It was wonderful. Turning corners and seeing the progress is such a blessing. I am so very grateful to have this surgery behind me. I am so very grateful they were able to get the cancer out of my body. I am beyond grateful for the love and support of family and friends.  There really isn’t a word in the english language the describes the feeling while going through a trying ordeal and yet feeling so completely filled with gratitude.

So on we will go – celebrating summer and celebrating small recovery milestones. Some time in the late summer we will reconvene with Dr.Fanta and my oncology team and see what he thinks about the next and hopefully final  steps I will need to make to complete this detour. But until then I get to recover , regroup and rejoice that this is behind me!