Stillness and Validation

Sprung for Spring Break

My Spring Break looked something like this photo from the best goofball comedy of the 80’s. While Faith was off on her East Coast College tour, Jason and I took Chase and a buddy to the river.

With each post-chemo day I would think I was resuming normal energy, when all actuality I was Bernie, being propped up in a variety of locations to be appear as normal as possible. But this is all a part of the Hon We Go strategy. And it works.  My amazing in-laws set up the trailer so all we had to do was show up and relax.
It’s a funny transition back for me and for my spotter, Jason. After a week where he carefully watches my every move,making  sure I am drinking water and eating food – to letting me be a big girl again – eyeing me the way he would eyeball a toddler when you decide it’s time to them discover something on their own – and risk the outcome. He encourages me to do something, all the while he’s right there just in case I’m not ready . Like dishes or better yet driving. But with each post-chemo day I get more big-girl privileges and the energy to do normal stuff.

Being at the river was great, and as it turns out trailer park speed was just perfect for me . Snow bird style – maybe I’ll make it to down to the bingo hall for social hour – maybe not . Maybe I’ll wonder over and chat with a fellow park neighbor about the weather. Maybe I’ll shuffle on down to shuffle board.  The low-key options are endless.  Chase did encourage me to play nine holes of golf one day – which was a big step. He was his usual encouraging self when my shots were decent and he was very patient when I needed to sit down on a hole.

Sometimes life slams on your brakes for you – like it or not, now you are going low key ,low speed and low maintenance. The doctors talk about fatigue and ways to manage it. It’s all about conserving energy and making wise choices. So on the “down chemo days” I have choices to make.
1) Brush hair OR  slap some make up on. Pick one.
2)Choose one outfit for day that can carry you through the day and night and possibly right back into bed… choose wisely.
3)Return calls or texts – usually texts wins every time. I get these wonderful texts during a day – little reminders of the love and support I have out there. We are so not alone in this. The encouragement is constant and  it  is a life saver. There is a certain since of power one can start to feel knowing you have this list o tribespeople who have offered to be at your beckon call. Last week lemonade sounded good – and WHOOMP there is was – hand delivered by my childhood friend of 30 years.
My  Aunt comes by on chemo weeks to walk my highly energetic dog Tuck Johnson. Most days he stares at me like this ……

So having him mellow on my resting days and knowing he got out is such a treat for both of us!

Keep Your Head Up And Handle It

I try to think of this detour as a job – one that I would never sign up for but one I am grateful to have as it’s going to pay the bills. I’ve been fortunate that I have never had to work at a job I didn’t like. Well, except my first job at B Dalton bookstore- where people kept coming up to me asking me where books were … so rude. They would come right up to me, asking me where a book was thus forcing me to use the microfiche and then standing there over my shoulder while I tried to recall which came first s or r. The pressure was just too much! When I signed up, all I wanted to do was ring people up. Using a cash register had always been a dream of mine. When they announced I had to stocks books after hours, knowing I was alphabetically challenged, I knew my days in book sales were numbered.
But other than that – I have enjoyed every job I have done. Teaching was my first professional love (still is) and staying home with my babies was a job I loved. Then when I went into the world of insurance and marketing I enjoyed the challenges and the professional growth of those years. So I have really never ever had to get up and go grind at a job that I dreaded. I always said I never would. I’d quit. I’d find something I like- life’s too short blah blah blah. Well turns out – life IS too short so you gotta get yo butt up and hustle. It may come as a surprise to some reading that I’ve been a  rap fan since 7th grade when Beastie Boys told me I should fight for my right to party. I’m thankful to many of my favorite thugs because they taught this white girl from the streets of La Mesa, important life skills; all  from a parental advisory album.

Hahaha, that’s right
I know it seem hard sometimes but uh


Remember one thing

Through every dark night, there’s a bright day after that
So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out

Keep your head up and handle it
~ Tupac

So Chemo #2 is done and handled.

The routine of this is taking shape.  The chemo weeks are quiet and there is very little expectations on my end… as in none.  The kids and Jason keep busy with their work, school and activities and I stay low and quiet and  start to look forward to the better feeling , more energy days of the days that are to come.  I love to hear the on-goings on normal life…kids making plans with friends, friends coming and going. It’s all the buzzing and the sounds of the stuff I live for. Even the “Mom where are my baseball pants”?  Nice to know they still can’t find things without me.

Unfortunately , stillness is not something I have ever been good at. Not gonna lie, I was secretly kinda hoping I could be chemo-super woman. I hear about these people who get treatments and then go to work the next day. They act like they are swinging by the dry cleaners . On my chemo days I am proud of myself if I brush my hair ( which I seem to still have and be holding onto… knock on wood). But I heard this lovely thought recently and it keeps playing in my mind …. God uses silence in our lives in order to share some of His best secrets and that times of stillness are really pathways to closeness with Him.

Yesterday we had a great appointment with Dr.Fanta. He is very encouraging and made sure to remind me how well I was doing. He even validated our parking. No seriously…. he validated our parking. Jason and I still aren’t sure what was going on, but at the end of our long important appointment we were discussing how I still needed to go get the pump disconnected in the lab, and then he asked us where were were parked. Jason tells him how our car is at the valet upfront because I was to tired to walk from the parking lot. Now I maybe in a chemo-fog but I  do know this  is a strange conversation they are having. Then he asked me for the parking ticket. So I give it to him and  headed  for the lab while he and Jason wrapped things up I guess? I took the elevator and guess who took the stairs? Yep. Dr.Fanta.  There he is with my ticket stub talking to the valet guy, calling my car up. What strange universe is this where the life saving oncologist is also the car guy? I don’t know but I like it. However, if  I see him behind the counter making lattes on the 2nd floor cafe I going to reconsider.

Dr.Fanta said my blood counts are “stellar” and that I am holding up great. Ok ..if you say so! You’re the doctor. And apparently the valet. The plan is still two more rounds and followed by a scan. Our fervent prayer is that this chemo is working so well, shrinking this tumor right now.  It’s possible the scans will show that we could shrink it more in which case we would do a few more rounds (grrrr)  , with hopes to have a minimally invasive lung surgery. He said I would have about a 6 week break after chemo before surgery , which sounds good to me.  Break? As in a vacation? As in Umbrella drinks?  I sometimes get ahead of myself.

Mercy and Love

Everyday , even on the not-so-good ones ,  I am reminded  of God’s  love and mercies. I think about when I was a  kid and loving  being in the ocean and jumping over the waves as they rolled in. Every now and then there would be a BIG  wave and I would get tossed and taken under, and just like that I would pop right back up ready for another one.  Well, here I am  in the ocean bobbing just a little bit over my head, but with every strong wave, the ones that hold me down for just a little too long,  I feel the hand of God lifting me up , carrying me through, and I am reminded my heavenly Father will not let me go. He was with me the first time cancer into our lives 10 years ago,  and He  brought us through. He has never left me. His mercies are everywhere and I am so very thankful.

For I, the LORD your God , hold your right hand;

it is I who say to you : Fear not, I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

Amen!