Visualizing the Victory
10 years ago when cancer first came a-knocking , Chase was two and half and we lived on Lemon Avenue a few shorts blocks away from the local little league fields. I would sit outside and watch him play and from our back yard I could hear the crack of a big hit followed by the cheers from the proud parents , and I would visualize myself sitting in the stands in years to come. I used visual imagery to picture the exciting newness of the tea-ball years, the long long caps games where you get so bored you look longingly over at the minors games and watch them more than your own , then the fun of the minors years and then MAJORS! I would picture it all …. see myself on each field cheering on our guy. And guess what – here we are in the majors leagues baby! And although I didn’t picture this reoccurrence happening , I realized it’s time to start visualizing much bigger.
So, recently we got to fit it a river trip on a good weekend. We like to stop in Yuma to do our grocery shopping, at a nice new grocery store that’s a huge hit with the local snowbirds and retirees. You would know this as soon as you walked in by the 50 motorized shopping carts lined up. Then it happened …..I had an epiphany at the deli counter. Crazy but true. The most incrediby helpful deli counter associate was INSISTING that I sample every meat and cheese I was ordering. It started with the turkey – she suggested I try it. Uh ok, I can handle one slice of deli turkey , which I wasn’t buying for myself…. my taster is off and I had no desire to risk it. But she was so dang sweet so I ate half and secretly stuffed the other half in my purse. Then I ordered some cheese – which made her very excited because of how well that cheese went the turkey I was buying – so of course she made me a turkey cheese roll up to prove her point. [ OK :SIDENOTE: This is where no -hair could actually be a benefit. If I had no hair she would have figured me out way quicker and not insisted I eat all these deli delights. Having said that – I am grateful DAILY for my hair and will happily stuff deli meats and cheeses in my purse.] People, let me tell you this went on for a few more meats and cheeses. So I had to ask myself, why in the world is she taking this much time with me? I looked around and noticed the pace of the rest of the customers. I realized that her average customer has nothing but time to sample the delicacies of her counter. Then it hits me – This is my next visualization strategy. Sure , graduations , weddings and grandchildren all sound swell – but that moment surrounded by the sweet gray haired Q-tip people I knew what I wanted. These people are the winners and I want what they have! Not because they have never seen hard times, quite the opposite. Because they have seen it, lived it, made it to their 80’s and are still smiling and appreciating life and the time at the deli to sample macaroni salad. I announced to Jason , that I look forward to being his ‘old lady’, a term I never liked until now. I picture us on a center console boat in the keys , fishing with our dogs. Spending part time there and wherever our family is. Jason enjoyed reminding me that we are currently getting great practice for our 80’s. We toddle together to doctors appointments, the pharmacy and he even took me to the DMV to renew my license. So yes, we will make a great old people pair. And I am looking forward to it.
Smooth Sailing
Seems like each blog needs to have a Dr.Fanta moment…. I don’t go looking for them, they find me. So after our last visit, on our way out he says ” Oh wait I have something for you!” He proceeds to hand us an invitation to go sailing with him and the staff and some selective patients. “Sailing and Healing” Seriously? Although , at first I am flattered to have been asked, I quickly wonder whose bright idea was that. I picture the staff meeting where some energetic well meaning intern says “Lets invite some always slightly nauseous chemo patients out on a sail boat for the day! ‘Great idea’ the rest chime in! “Yes let’s scratch the day at Magic Mountian and take them sailing…that’s perfect!” Between the wind on the wigs and hats and the already seasick passengers, this will be a day to remember. I quickly come to the decision that I will pass on this event and instead opt for some Christopher Cross in my earbuds in the back yard while looking at the pool. Yea that works.
Sailing takes me away to where I always
heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
And soon I will be free
Replacing Fear with FAITH
I get lots of time to sit and think about all this. I also get lots of moments to share with others how we are getting through this. I realize for many – ok – most people this would be their worst nightmare. 10 ten years ago this was absolutely true for our family. I was 32 , I had small children and I didn’t even know what a colon was. I was scared and fought the fear on a daily basis. And GOD was never closer to me. So , we saw first hand how HE can carry you through. So I can’t imagine second guessing HIM now – or ever. Even in the midst of hard realities and difficulties there are some things we must cling to and hold on to as if our lives depended on it: because they do.
- God loves us and will not leave us.
- This battle isn’t ours. The battle belong to the Lord. I am choosing to let Him fight for me. I get to save my emotional energy for the amazing blessing and mercies He gives us daily. My job is to be obedient to to God. God’s job is to win this battle. Don’t believe me …just watch.
- The battle might not be easy or short-lived, but the victory will be there. FAITH baby!
- God is good even circumstances are harder than you even imagined. God is good everyday and every day God is good.
Be joyful in hope
Patient in Affliction
Faithful in Prayer
Romans 12;12
Rounding for Home
Today as I write, it’s me and my fanny pack and looking toward a week of couch and bed. But’s it ok. One of the many mercies is how fast time is flying by, even the down weeks. The good weeks – WHIZ by. Basically I have to try to fit all the normal stuff of one month into 8 decent days. The kids stuff comes first and fills up fast, baseball games , school functions, and recently prom dress shopping and fittings… such wonderful things! Can’t forget about a date night or two with the husband-of-the year . Then squeezing in visits and catch up with friend and family as energy allows. It’s the good stuff that life is made of!
I realize this can be confusing for some people. As in most don’t see me during a down week – by design. I hunker down and get each day done. I don’t eat food for about 4 days but ironically I watch mostly cooking shows. I do have a few inner circle friends who come anyway. They drop off soup, they climb into bed with me. They act like they don’t even notice that my teeth aren’t brushed.
So that when the good weeks roll around I have 65% energy back, I do my HAIR I put on make up and run about to get in as much most normal stuff I can possible squeeze in.
With number four almost in the rear view -I will have two good weeks off before the scan day. This scan will show us how this tumor responded to the chemo. The day after the scan we will meet with Dr.Fanta and our fancy schamncy team to hear what’s next. Maybe a few more treatments, maybe not. Maybe a 6 week break and surgery. God already has the perfect plan … we just have to wait in faith to see what it is.
Each time I have headed for chemo, Chase would give me a baseball analogy. Chemo number one he told me I was up to bat – but just needed to get a sweet single, nothing crazy. Then number two – “Just a drive up the line to get you to second base Mom” . Then chemo number three he said “You’re headed for third Mom – smart base running!’ Well number four he said this ” You’re rounding for home MOM then you’ve made it!” I told him ‘ Yes I am, but what we don’t know yet is if we have do extra innings , but either way we will win”. Visualizing the Victory. Amen.
Thanks for sharing your heart. I love the way you write. When this is behind you, I hope you continue the story of Hon, and Honwego. Your more than a good read. We love you, are praying for you all the time, and really admire your faith, sense of humor, word crafting, and word pix of Jas, Faith, and Chase. Looks like you got a future big leauge manager as your live in coach. He learned that from his Daddy. Respect – ken,rach,sara.
My AMAZING Daughter…what can I say ? Your articulate and entertaing manner in which you describe the day to day things is really something to read and appreciate too . I am looking forward as I am sure you are as well , when this will all be behind you. However, what will always be with you is this profound experience and how your faith in God has brought you through it !
Much Love
Dad
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are a thoughtful writer and like Ken said, I hope you will continue sharing your writing with us after this bump in the road. Who knows, our book club might be reading and discussing your books in the future and, of course, will show no mercy. LOL. XOXO.
You are an inspiration! God is with you always! You help me❤️
This was so beautifully written. It brought tears to my eyes. You are amazing!!!! We are praying every day for you and your family.
This perspective brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for sharing.
Keep fighting the fight, warrior.
Lots of love to you.
Sweet, sweet Honor. Words cannot describe how much your postings mean to your followers. You write with your beautiful heart and your bring shiny soul. You give your friends light when all we want to do is help you. But here you are uplifting all of us. I am so blessed that God lead you and your family to Christ Lutheran and that I have the Honor of knowing you. Prayers to you my friend.
Love you my dear friend….you and ALL your wisdom!
Your words make my heart swell and I am reminded of the ever presence of God and His goodness. 15 miles to the Love Shack… You are always movin’ and a groovin! Bless you Miss Honor and thank you for sharing your ride with us.
My Dear, dear Honor. I just love reading your posts! You have no idea how much hope, inspiration and encouragement I get from reading your post! You are truly incredible!
It doesn’t matter if it’s in extra innings. You WILL make it and we will all be behind home plate sheering you on! as you slide into home!!!
Love you my friend!
Sandra
A beautiful and inspiring message! God will always be with you. Love, Faith and prayers
Ximena Massery
Your reflective words are beautiful and powerful. You are still teaching. Thank you. Please know how much I love you.
Sweet and strong Honor,
Your words and your faith are beautuful and so authentic! You are being uplifted in prayer each day. You are treasured and you are loved ❤
Dear sweet Honor,
I didn’t realize I could comment, or would have sooner! As I read and marvel at the young woman that you have become and remembering as you and Jason met as kids, dated and having missed everything after I moved away. I wish so badly I could give you a hug, lots of love and jump into bed with you sans the water bucket. I admire you, I can hear your voice on the page, your laugh. I love you so much and miss you. Keep up the good fight, such a beautiful person, inside and out. I am praying for you and thinking of you often. Wish I could come and visit. <3
Love,
Vic
You truly have a gift to communicate your journey through this blog Honor. You give us all Hope that through adversity, it will only make you stronger in faith, hope and love? thinking of you and your family.
I told Mickie and Bill last night how much I respect and appreciate your very well-written journal. Through HonWeGo, you are giving your family and friends a great gift that is written with honesty, insight, humor and strength. Keep looking forward! Hugs.